thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
