On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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