yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
