the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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