Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
