I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
