it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
