1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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