he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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