Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
ttyl tear gas
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
