I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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