I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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