just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
