i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
