that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
