Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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