My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize