Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
