The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize