Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
