Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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