Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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