Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
