thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Randomize
