my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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