tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
