my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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