dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
