apparently the secret to your success is patron
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
