I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
