Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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