Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
