Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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