I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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