I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
