how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
