How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
