$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
