My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
