hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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