I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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