he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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