he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
