My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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