your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
