I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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