i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
