woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
