He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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