my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize