No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
