Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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