and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
