so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
