shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize