Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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