my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
