someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
