Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
