Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
