So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize