I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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