Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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