Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
