somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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